Wise Parenting: Correcting Foolish Children. Proverbs 22:6, 15; 29:17
When God first created Adam and Eve and placed them in
the garden the first statements that we have in Scripture regarding their union
is that they were to glorify God together. Moses writes, (Genesis 2:24) ÒFor this reason a man shall leave his father
and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.Ó
That is the establishment of the institution of marriage.
Marriage is not something that was
developed by human beings over a course of time as just some sort of convenient
thing that seemed to help organize society. It was something that God created
and initiated and inaugurated before there was ever sin on the planet. The
question we should ask is, why did He do that? As part of His command to Adam
and Eve in the garden He said that they were to be fruitful and to multiply.
That was a command that was given to them in the pre-fall period. It is not a
command that was related in any way to dealing with the post-fall problem of
sin or living in a corrupt world. It was always GodÕs intent that human beings
in marriage would have children and would rear those children under the
principles that God revealed and taught to Adam and Eve. And that is the
framework for GodÕs training and passing on truth from generation to
generation.
And that hasnÕt changed just because of
the fall. Those principles are still there and in fact they are still more
important now that we live in a corrupt world with corrupt, fallen sinners and
corrupt, fallen children and corrupt, fallen parents that we pass on the Word
of God generationally. It is the only solution to all the problems that we have
and deal with and talk about. They are all superficial. The core problem is the
problem of sin and rebellion against God. And so the framework that God
designed for training children and passing on the key eternal principles of His
Word from generation to generation is the family, within the framework of a
father and a mother and the children.
We know that we live in a fallen world
and there are a lot of different reasons why there is not both a father and a
mother present. Because we live in a fallen world there are frequently less
than desirable circumstances. But GodÕs grace gives us the ability to deal with
those circumstances, and due to GodÕs grace we are able to solve many problems
in life that arenÕt what they ought to be simply because we are living in this
kind of a fallen world.
Proverbs gives wise instruction to
parents. So now we want to look at the topic of wise parenting. Proverbs starts
off emphasizing that there is a central role for parents in training children.
It is not the governmentÕs role to train your children or to educate your
children. We may utilize those systems that are in place but when it is all
said and done you canÕt blame anybody but yourself for their failures in being
educated or being trained. One of the first principles we see in Proverbs is
the major responsibility of parents, which is child training. If you are a
parent, that is your responsibility. It is not your job to train children to be
good children or to be good adolescents; it is your job to train your children
to be responsible adults.
Children should be trained to be good
children, but there is a training process. And your goal as a parent is to work
yourself out of a job so that you donÕt need to be a parent anymore, because
when your child reaches the age of eighteen volitionally, legally, they are on
their own. They may still live at home. You may still have rules and
regulations they need to follow because you are paying the bills. To whatever
degree you pay for their room and board, or for any entertainment in their
life, to whatever degree you give them money you control their volition. And
you are not going to get away with that when they are nineteen unless you start
it when they are nineteen minutes old. The sooner you start establishing your
parental authority in relation to your children the easier it will be. If you
donÕt establish a strong disciplinary position at the very beginning it is
often too late.
It is always easier to lighten up than
it is to get more intense. That is the way life is, and the reason is because
the child that you are dealing with is a sinner and he is going to take
advantage of whatever opportunities he has to get away with whatever he can get
away with. A lot of parents donÕt understand that when they start having kids
and consequently they have problems later on.
So what we see in Scripture is that the
primary responsibility of parents is to train their children to be responsible
adults so that they can live successfully. Now that is a general broad
principle and it applies to everybody. But if you are a Christian parent then
part of your responsibility is to teach and train your children so that they
can be responsible, mature Christians when they reach adulthood. At some point
they are going to transition from being at home and being under your authority
to being out on their own. Hopefully when they make that transition they will
go through a shift when they are not just worshipping the God of their parents
but that the God of their parents have become their God. Kids go through that
process where they have to transition from their parents beliefs, their parents
ideas, and their parents faith in God, to where it is something that they are
doing completely from their own volition.
In the idea of child training what we
see in Proverbs is that the emphasis is more on correction than on the
positive. And there is a reason for that. We live in a world today where a lot
people say, I donÕt want to focus on the negative, I want to focus on the
positive. But that betrays also a hidden assumption about the nature of
reality. As Bible-believing Christians we believe the nature of the reality of
the world in which we live is that it is a fallen, corrupt world and that
people are born as sinners. And left to their own devices they are going to
follow the path of least resistance, which is to give in to the sin nature and
to follow the leading of the sin nature. And because as Bible-believing
Christians we understand that the overall focus of the world is essentially
corrupt and negative, then that has to be dealt with. It doesnÕt mean there
arenÕt wonderful things and that kids cannot be wonderful and positive but left
to their own devices without some sort of control their default position is
always going to be in the direction of their sin nature. So one of the primary
responsibilities of parents in training is going to involve correction.
There are three key proverbs we will
deal with. Proverbs 22:6 NASB ÒTrain up a child in the way he should
go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.Ó In my opinion this is one
of the most misunderstood, abused and distorted passages in
Scripture—especially in relation to child training. That is because it is
not properly taught. This isnÕt a great translation. It is hard to get across
in English. In the Hebrew it really doesnÕt say what it appears to say in the
English. Proverbs 29:17 NASB ÒCorrect your son, and he will give you
comfort; He will also delight your soul.Ó So notice, a positive parental
experience with an adult child who is pleasing and a blessing is related to a
previous lifestyle of correcting. Proverbs 22:15 NASB ÒFoolishness
is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far
from him.Ó
The point based on Proverbs 22:6 is
that the parentsÕ role is motivate, stimulate and challenge the children
according to each childÕs personality and nature. Often this passage is
understood in this way: If you make your kids attend school and church
regularly, and of you teach them to know and obey the Ten Commandments and the
golden rule (Love your neighbor as you love yourself), to pray at meal time,
bed time, whenever there is a crisis, and you give them a steady diet of Bible
verses, and do this early on, then even though teenage rebellion may come, when
their fling is over theyÕll always come back to God. And you can count on it
because of this promise. The problem is, it is not true.
The first reason it is not true is that
this is a proverb; it is not a promise. The difference between a proverb and a
promise is that a proverb states things that are generally true, but they are
not stating things that are always and inevitably true.
The second thing that we ought to note
about this verse is it gives part of a picture of different things the Bible
teaches about child training. It is not the one and only principle of child
training in Scripture. We have to also recognize that the Bible teaches that
every child has their own volition, and they may choose to reject everything
that you teach them and train them. You canÕt put them in an environment where
they are going to end up always doing what you think they should do. That isnÕt
going to happen. That is hard for some parents to understand, and some are
holding out hope that some day because they made sure that their kids went to
church and made sure that they were in Bible class that they are always going
to focus on the Lord, will come back to the Lord and love the Lord because that
is the way they trained them. But that is not what this verse is saying. Sadly,
too many people have held on to this verse as a promise.
We have to understand what it means to
train up a child. This is the Hebrew verb chanak. It is not the term used in other
passages that indicate discipline, correction or training for children. It is a
distinct word used only eight times in Hebrew and another form of the word
occurs twice in the Aramaic portions of Ezra and Daniel. It means to dedicate,
to inaugurate and to initiate. The verb is the basis for the noun Hanukkah which
has the idea of establishing or inaugurating a new feast as they reestablished
the worship in the new temple after it was shit down under Antiochus Epiphane
in the 3rd century BC. It has to do with dedication, with consecrating something,
and the basic meaning of this word has to do with dedicate, inaugurate, or to
initiate. It is related to an Arab cognate which refers to the practice of a
midwife who would take a newborn infant and rub its gums with the juice of
dates or oil. This would initiate the infantÕs sucking reflex so that they
would begin to nurse as soon as possible. So it has to do with stimulating the
gums of the infant in order to initiate the right kind of behavior. This is
used as a metaphor for parental training, that it is the role of parents to
initiate and inaugurate, and to stimulate their desire for something at the
earliest possible age. So it is not just training, it has more to do with the
idea initiating and motivating the child in their desire for something.
The next phrase is Òin the way he
should go.Ó It would look on the surface that in light of the way that the
writer of Proverbs talks about the way of a man, that there is the path or the
way of the righteous and there is the path or the way of the foolish, that this
is talking about a volitional choice in taking a certain course or path of
life. That is how most people understand this—that it is to train up a
child in the path or the course of life he should go. However, the word ÒwayÓ
is also used in a different way in Scripture. Proverbs 30:18, 19 where it has to
do with individual character or the individual nature of something.
Proverbs 30:18 NASB
ÒThere are three things which are too wonderful for me, Four which I do not
understand: [19] The way of an eagle in the sky, The way of a serpent on a
rock, The way of a ship in the middle of the sea, And the way of a man with a
maid.Ó The way here is not used in terms of a course or a path in life; it is
talking about the characteristic, the nature of each one of these individual
things. So it has a broader use or sense in which it refers to the manner, the
normal manner in which something acts according to its own nature. So what this
would imply, then, is Òtrain up a child in the way he should goÓ has to do with
training or stimulating them in terms of their basic individual nature or
personality. Children are not all the same. What may motivate and stimulate one
doesnÕt even faze another. You have to deal with each one as an individual. As
a parent, if you are going to fulfill this it is not superficial. You really
have to study and get to know your children individually and develop that
relationship so that you are stimulating them and motivating them according to
their individual personality and life. It puts a lot of responsibility on the
parent, one that you canÕt always do in a situation when Mom and Dad are both
working 60 or 70 hours a week. This is why it is very difficult for good
parenting to take place when both parents are working.
The emphasis here is that the training
that goes on has to start early. It is related to motivating, stimulating,
encouraging children in the direction of truth, and it is more of a positive
concept rather than a negative concept in this verse. The result is that in
most cases when they are old they wonÕt depart from that training. It doesnÕt
say theyÕll come back to it, it says they wonÕt ever depart from it. We have to
understand what it says and what it doesnÕt say. The principle is that if this
is done right then in most circumstances they are not even going to go off and
sow their wild oats, they are just going to stick with the plan and stick with
the Word all the way through. It is not a promise that they will return; it is
just a proverb, a recognition of the fact that under these circumstances they
will normally stay the course.
But they have their own volition and in
many case where there are children who let their sin nature control then they
are going to choose to go against you and against the way in which you have
trained them.
Correction is very much a part of training,
and correction has a range of options. It can be talking to them, it can be
time out, removing privileges from them, but it always has to go in the
direction physical, corporeal punishment. That is what the Word of God teaches
and that is what Proverbs teaches. The reason is given in Proverbs 22:15,
ÒFoolishness is bound up in the heart of a child.Ó So the presupposition of
Scripture is that your lovely little baby is nothing more than a corrupt
sinner, and without training and teaching them the course that they should go,
including teaching them the fact that when they make bad decisions there are
harmful, hurtful consequences, they canÕt learn that in any other way than some
sort of corporal punishment.
There are some children who are so
sensitive about that that even looking at the child is though you are
displeased with them they want to please you so much as a parent they
straighten up right away. Others need to go through a regular period where they
are spanked, and done in an appropriate manner. Physical punishment should
never be done out of anger. When a child is very young and you start with a pop
on the butt when you straighten them out when they are disobedient that can
lead to situations when they grow older when you can sit down and talk to them.
But a parent has to understand that they are not going to reason with them, use
psychology, to get them going in the right direction when they are eighteen
months, two years or three years old. You have to start, even with corporal
punishment, when they are very young. At that age it doesnÕt take
much—just a slight tap on the butt and that is good enough.
It is clear from Proverbs, clear from
Scripture, that God not only endorses but mandates corporal punishment. If the
parent is out of line and gets angry that can go to something wrong. But what
is worse, corporal punishment that becomes abusive or spoiling a child so that
they never learn the truth or what is right? Both are wrong. But just because
you take something to the extreme doesnÕt mean you shouldnÕt do it. If you have
a problem that you may not be able to handle physical punishment correctly the
option is not to not do it at all, the issue is to do it correctly, to do it
out of love. It is more consistent with love to correct than to not correct.
The reason for this is that we have
this thing called the sin nature. The basic orientation of the sin nature is
the self. We are self-absorbed. This leads to self-indulgence. That produces
self-justification which leads to self-deception, and self-deception leads to
self-deification—itÕs all about me. That is the way that the child is,
and it is the role of the parent to train them and teach them so that that
changes and they learn to control their self-indulgent self-orientation.
This is the same thing that God does
with us. In the New Testament we have the passage in 2 Timothy 3:16, that all
Scripture is inspired or breathed out by God and is profitable for teaching.
That is instruction. The same responsibility is with parents. Their job is to
teach and instruct children. But that is not just an impartation of academic
truth and information. The idea of teaching always has an ethical dimension to
it because it is not just facts; it is imparting information with a goal
towards right behavior. That is what the Scripture does. It is instruction
towards right behavior and right living. As a parent you are to instruct your
children toward right behavior and right living.
Then the next two are negative. The
whole idea that we want everything to be positive reflects an unrealistic view
of life and reality. The instruction is going to include reproof. Reproof is
the idea of presenting a case that what you are doing is wrong. Some people
just hate that, and it is why you donÕt see them in church. They canÕt handle
somebody telling them that something they love to do is wrong. They are so
mired in self-justification that for anybody to suggest that something they are
doing is wrong they just immediately think, well you are guilty of hate speech,
you are picking on me. Reproof points out what is wrong; correction points out
how to change it from the wrong path to the right path. ThatÕs what the Word of
God does and these same words are used for parents, including the next word
Òfor training in righteousness.Ó The Greek word is paideia, from the root meaning a child. The whole idea of
disciplined training goes back to what is done with training and rearing a
child so that they can have self-discipline with regard to their own sin
nature.
This is the same idea that we have in
Proverbs. Proverbs 3:11, 12 (also in Hebrews 12:7) NASB ÒMy
son, do not reject the discipline of the LORD Or loathe His reproof, For whom the LORD
loves He reproves, Even as a father {corrects} the son in whom he delights.Ó We
see a key word here, the word having to do with correction. It is the Hebrew
word yasar,
sometimes related to the noun mussar which relates to instruction. But it is a certain kind of
instruction, an instruction that includes correction and the training of discipline
so that something is learned. We see this repeated again and again in
Scripture.
So this word emphasizes
at its most basic level that the learning of these lessons is what is important
and necessary for successful living. And that is the goal of the parent. If you
want your child at the age of 18, 19, or 20 on to make wise decisions and to be
successful at life then in order to do that then your job from the very
beginning in parenting is not to be their friend but their trainer. You are the
one to teach them values, to teach them self-discipline, to teach them how to
control the instincts of their sin nature so that they do not follow the
inclinations of their sin nature but learn to control them.
Why do we do this?
Proverbs 19:18 NASB ÒDiscipline your son while there is hope, And do
not desire his death.Ó This implies that you need to start this
early—Òwhile there is hope.Ó If you wait beyond a certain point it is too
late to start trying to teach your children because the bad habits of yielding
to their sin nature have already been ingrained. If you donÕt train them while
there is still hope then the result is that they are going to make bad
decisions which are going to lead down that path of death—not necessarily
physical death but the death of a miserable existence on earth because of the
bad decisions they make from the position of an undisciplined and undirected
life.
In the context of the Old
Testament that also implies a physical death. Deuteronomy 21:18-21 under the
Mosaic Law if a child was rebellious—incorrigible, a juvenile delinquent
who continually manifests the unwillingness to respond to authority—the
parents were to bring them out into the public square, take them before the
elders of the village, and that child was to be stoned to death.
Some people say, ÒOh that
is so horrible. ThereÕs that nasty God of the Old Testament again.Ó We have to
understand this in context. The context was that if you raised a juvenile
delinquent you had introduced a cancer into society. If that cancer cell
metastasized then it would affect other cells. So what do you do with cancer?
You surgically remove it so that it canÕt destroy all of the healthy cells in
the body. This is an extreme position because it is extreme behavior, but you
have to protect the culture from the self-indulgent, self-absorbed narcissists
that are raised by parents that donÕt understand the value of wisdom or the
value of discipline. If you donÕt do it then it leads to a breakdown and a
failure of the society and culture. The interesting thing is that we donÕt have
any examples of the Israelites in the Old Testament ever fulfilling that
command. And so what happened is again and again they slipped into idolatry and
moral relativism and rebellion against God because they refused to truly
implement the principles in the Mosaic Law for parental training of the next
generation.
Scripture makes it very clear about the
value of corporal punishment. Proverbs 13:24 NASB ÒHe who withholds
his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.Ó
The divine viewpoint of love is that
you are to take the time and the energy to properly and correctly discipline
your children, which will include in extreme cases physical corporal
punishment. He who doesnÕt do that hates his child. The discipline has to be
immediate, negative consequences. Two hours later when they are young they have
no memory of it.
Proverbs 19:18 NASB
ÒDiscipline your son while there is hope, And do not desire his death.Ó
Proverbs 23:13 NASB
ÒDo not hold back discipline from the child, Although you strike him with the
rod, he will not die.Ó This is talking about applying the rod of correction to
his rear end. [14] ÒYou shall strike him with the rod And rescue his soul from
Sheol.Ó The point being made here is that an undisciplined child grows into an
undisciplined adult. Some one who is undisciplined is not going to be very
successful in living the spiritual life. What you have to train your child to
respect is authority. You canÕt make it anywhere in life without a respect for
authority, and you are never going get anywhere in your spiritual life if you
donÕt respect the authority of God.
Proverbs 29:15 NASB
ÒThe rod and reproof give wisdom, But a child who gets his own way brings shame
to his mother.Ó If you just leave a child to himself then all of that
selfishness gets endorsed and enmeshed in their soul, and these negative habit
patterns—negative ways of thinking and negative ways of
acting—leads to an adulthood where they are an embarrassment and a shame
to their parents.
Proverbs 29:17 NASB
ÒCorrect your son, and he will give you comfort; He will also delight your
soul.Ó
Discipline has to be
modified with love. Ephesians 6:4 NASB ÒFathers, do not provoke your
children to anger ÉÓ DonÕt do it in an abusive way because this results in a
hostile reaction. ÒÉ but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the
Lord.Ó Notice it is directed to the fathers, not the mothers. Fathers are the
primary leader in the home. Too many fathers in our culture delegate responsibility
to the wife. The father is to train and produce discipline in the life of the
child. That doesnÕt exclude the mother but the children need to understand that
this is something that is just as important to the father as to the mother.
Men, if you want to teach your children wrong values then you become a passive
back-set driver in terms of the spiritual leadership in the home.
This is also seen in
Proverbs 4:3, 4 NASB ÒWhen I was a son to my father, Tender and the
only son in the sight of my mother, Then he taught me and said to me, ÔLet your heart hold fast
my words; Keep my commandments and live.ÕÓ It was the father whose emphasis was
on teaching and training.