The Doctrine of the Dance
1 Peter 3:1–2
Last
time I started looking at the Doctrine of the Dance in 1 Peter 3:1–2, thinking
through the implications and applications of commands related to submission. In
all of the 35 years I have been in pastoral ministry, if there has been one
particular issue that has been difficult for many people to understand, it is
this particular issue.
My
first church actually blew up, almost literally, in terms of being divided over
this issue of the role of men and the role of women in the local church. It is
a problem that runs root deep in our culture. I think part of that is an aspect of
rebellion against Christianity. I think another part of it is reaction to abuse
that has taken place in many different kinds of situations over the years.
And
I also think part of it is the drumbeat that comes from the radical feminist
left that has taken over whole departments in universities and teaching
numerous classes on feminism that are required courses for all women to take
where they get brainwashed. And if they don’t respond to the brainwashing, then
they will be flunked.
I
had one young lady in my church in Connecticut who started at the University of
Connecticut and went to a women’s study course. The first week, within the
first 15 minutes, the professor—they are very adept at this—identified who the
Christians were and started picking on them, going after them, ridiculing them,
intimidating them, and telling them that, “You keep listening to those
patriarchal pastors that you have and they’re going to destroy your life,” and other
things like that. They get this over and over again. In fact, what she did was
drop the class before she would get hit with anything.
But
that’s the kind of thing that goes on, and if you don’t have any doctrine in
your soul, if you don’t understand the Word of God—and not just understanding
what it says but why it says it … What are the reasons that God has established
these structures in marriage, in family, in society? What is the reason for
that? Then you don’t have any intellectual defense for these assaults and you
get them in more subtle ways in sitcoms, in romantic comedies, in films.
In
fact, you can trace this in movies back to the post-World War II era where you
see the minimization of the male and disrespect for the male. Even in the era
of Father
Knows Best, there were a lot of other sitcoms that were “Mother Knows
Best.” So you have this kind of mentality.
This
anti-masculine, anti-male, anti-male-leadership type of thinking, dominated
even in that era that many people think was so great—in the 50s. This gradually
erodes the respect and authority given to the man. God designed men a certain
way, and He designed women a certain way. That doesn’t mean everybody functions
that way, because we’ve all been corrupted by the sin nature.
But
if you’re a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, then God has provided a tool,
through spiritual growth and spiritual maturity, to put to death the deeds of
the flesh and those trends and tendencies that we all have toward abuse,
towards tyranny, towards bullying_situations like that_and to correct them with
a biblical view of authority and submission. We see that in the Trinity.
There’s
perfect authority between the Members of the Trinity. It is a family, as it
were, with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. The Son is responsive and
submitted to the Father. The Father and the Son both sent the Holy Spirit. The
Holy Spirit responds to that authority. There’s no competition that enters into
the perfect society, the perfect makeup of a triune God.
Last
time we got into this, we looked at 1 Peter 3:1, which echoes a number of other
passages. “Wives,
likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the
word.” That’s always the rub. We always want to put conditions in there.
The Bible really doesn’t give you that kind of leeway.
“If some do not
obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives.”
In the previous section we saw the command that slaves are to be submissive to
their masters even if they’re harsh. So the behavior of the person in authority
is not a condition for obedience or disobedience. Although there are
conditions—negative conditions—where disobedience is legitimate, and we’ve covered
those.
So I
introduced this with a doctrine I developed years ago, called the Doctrine of
the Dance, and it is a beautiful illustration of how two people work together.
One is in authority and the initiator, and one is the responder and the follower.
But they work together as a team to produce something that is of great beauty,
something that has value and is aesthetically pleasing; but it doesn’t happen
overnight.
You
see this in any kind of team sport. You can think through any number of your favorite
football heroes over the years—your favorite quarterback, your favorite running
back or tight end—and as you came to first watch them, perhaps in college ball
and later in professional ball, they didn’t get there overnight. They started
off when they were little boys. They were throwing passes, they were catching
passes, they were running, they were developing their skills and their
abilities, and they were responding to the instruction of their coaches. Every
one of them had particular talents and worked in particular roles within a
team, but they don’t try to take over somebody else’s role or position in that
team.
So
the same is true of marriage. It takes practice. Just as those young boys
become very adept, skillful young men in their athletics, so young ladies,
young girls, need to be trained and taught about submission—parameters, limits,
and what that looks like. I’ve often thought, in doing premarital counseling,
that I would assign—if I could do it right—a year of taking dance lessons. Go take
country western dance lessons; go take ballroom lessons together. It’s amazing
how many couples start having problems communicating.
All it does is reflect the fact that they probably don’t communicate very well
with each other, and it’s very important to do that.
When
you look at a couple that dances well together, they also communicate well
together. They talk about what’s going on before or after; they communicate,
they talk. It’s not just getting out on the floor and the guy pushes her around
the floor. Trust me. That never, ever works.
I
opened with this warning from Lamentations 5:15, “Our dance has turned into mourning.”
That’s what happens when society fragments and doesn’t understand how these
relationships are to work.
I
covered about four points last week. I’ll review them rather briefly.
When
one person breaks out of that, then you have problems. When I was taking dance
lessons, I could always tell the women that were probably an authority at their
job. I spotted one woman right off the bat by the way that she responded to
leads. I thought, “She must run her own company.” Turns out she did. She wanted
to back-lead; she didn’t want to respond. Eventually, we got all those things
ironed out, and I spent a lot of time dancing with her in various things. She
came to understand that and did a great job, but initially it was quite
difficult.
They
are working together to be able to achieve something that looks good, something
that’s enjoyable, something that they both have fun at. The same is true for
two sinners who come together in a relationship. They’re going to have
conflicts and difficulties, because you’ve got two self-absorbed, corrupt
individuals who are coming together to live together, and they each have
different desires, different wants, different personalities. Hopefully, through
the courtship stage, they figured out when and where they can work together and
whom they can’t live with and they’d get rid of them.
I’ve
always said that it’s not important to have fun things in common. Most people
enjoy doing a lot of the same kinds of things. What’s important is to make sure
that your sin natures are compatible. You just have to think about that a
little bit. If you’re married to somebody whose sin nature runs in one
direction and your sin nature runs in another direction, then when you get out
of fellowship and your sin nature is in control, they’re not going to
understand you very well. The same is true in the other direction. But if you
have compatible sin natures, then you’re going to understand the dynamics that
are going on in the other side of the relationship.
If
one person is a little bit impatient and short tempered and the other person is
too, then many times they will both understand each other when they are giving
into their impatience and short temperedness. If they’re both somewhat, shall
we say, vocal, or loud in getting rid of their anger and their frustrations,
then the other person understands that. But if one person thinks that if you
raise the volume of your voice just a little bit over pianissimo, that somehow
that’s abuse, then it’s never going to work together.
So
you have to have those levels of compatibility. If you are focused together, in
a Christian marriage, on glorifying the Lord Jesus Christ, it’s not about me
getting what I want and she getting what she wants; it’s not about my career or
her career. The goal is marriage together, blending together to glorify the
Lord Jesus Christ in the ministry that God has given to every single couple.
That
ministry, primarily, is related to the male as the leader. As Adam was given the
directions in the Garden of Eden, God brought him a helper to assist him in
achieving the mission that God gave him.
They
have to learn to walk together. And that doesn’t mean that you’re going to look
like any other couple. This is a trap that a lot of pastors fall into. I used
to rebel against it when I was in seminary. I would hear different areas of
application coming from professors’ mouths, and I would think, “That doesn’t
ring true. There are different kinds of people.”
I
remember even as a camp counselor at Camp Peniel sometimes you would hear
people quoting from the Psalms where David would say something like, “Early in
the morning I arise, and I enjoy you,” and some people are going, “I’m not a
morning person. I can’t enjoy anybody, even God, at 8 o’clock in the morning.
I’ve got to have coffee and lunch before I can start enjoying people.”
So
people are different, and so you have to work through these things together. If
your goal is to serve God together, then you recognize what that goal is, and you can work it
out.
Remember,
she’s probably going backwards, and you have to communicate what they’re going
to do and how they’re going to do it.
In
terms of the Christian application, the husband’s the leader. He is the final
authority, and he’s the one God’s going to hold accountable for the spiritual
welfare of the family. So that involves communication with your spouse—talking
about what are the best ways to manage money, financial resources.
What
are the best ways to take care of the domestic responsibilities? If you’ve got
a husband who is working and the wife is not working, then how you split up
your domestic responsibilities is going to be different than if both are
working 50 or 60 hours a week. Then you have to figure out other ways to make
things work.
I
don’t know how it works in some houses, but I’ve seen some husbands who expect
their wives to do all the domestic chores, plus work 50 hours a week; and
that’s not reasonable in my opinion. So you have to work these things out and talk these
things through together.
I
saw a lot of that. There weren’t any couples in the classes that I was taking,
but people would usually find somebody else they could dance well with. I would
also hear from some of the ladies that, “So and so, you can’t tell them
anything—they won’t listen. They know exactly what they are doing!” What they
know is what they think they are doing and what they think they are communicating. But if the
partner isn’t hearing what’s being communicated, then they need to work on
that. So once again, it comes down to humility, and it comes down to graciousness
and figuring out how to communicate to the other person in a way that they will
listen and respond.
That
happens often in Christian marriage. You have different levels of spiritual
maturity. You have different levels of emotional maturity. You have different
IQs. You have different levels of education, different leadership and
management skills, and different talents. The man and the woman have to work
within those skills and not necessarily in terms of preconceived ideas. So,
once again, it takes humility and responsiveness in order to reach an optimal
performance of the man in the leadership role and the wife responding to him.
When
you stop thinking and you’re just going to flow with the music, then everything
can start breaking down. The same kind of thing happens in marriage. In
Christian marriage, each person has specific tasks and roles that they may
learn and develop. You start off in your marriage—you don’t have any kids in
the house, and so you have one set of parameters and you work things out there.
Then after a few years you have the first child, second child, or maybe a third
child. Things are going to change. It calls for different levels of energy,
different levels of involvement. And there has to be flexibility. Each person
needs to have little time off and the other has to understand when and where
that should occur.
So
it it’s a matter of communication, once again, and as two people grow together
towards maturity, towards Christlikeness, then that enables them to respond and
to initiate in the area of grace. Along the way, every one of us is going to
make 1,000 or 10,000 mistakes. Ninety percent of the time, the differences
between the marriages that don’t work and the ones that do are because there’s
a failure to apply grace and humility in every situation. When people start
taking offense and becoming offended at certain things, reacting, harboring
those hurts and bitterness, building resentment, then that is a sure
prescription for ultimate failure.
So
both need to have this desire to work together: and it has to be grounded on
humility and teachability, not on arrogance.
If
the male leads are too strong, then she will become overpowered and look stiff
and awkward. She may even fear that she may get hurt in the process of the way
he turns her, because she doesn’t have that flexibility. I’ve even seen some
people fall down in the middle of the dance because of too strong of a lead. As
a result of that, the whole process breaks down.
On
the other hand, if his leads are too weak, then she does not know what in the
world he wants her to do. You can’t respond to a weak lead. So men have to
think about two things: how they communicate their leadership and direction to
their wife and how she responds to leadership and what kind of leadership she
responds to; because no two women are going to respond the same way to the same
leadership. Each person is very different.
So
husbands need to study their wives, and they need to understand how to best
lead them spiritually and emotionally and in every other way in the house.
There needs to be that communication. The man who leads too strong becomes a
tyrant and a bully and is abusive, has no concept of grace, impersonal love, or
humility. Usually, he’s weak. He is self-centered; he lacks confidence; he is
often operating on arrogance. In any situation, if a man becomes emotionally or
physically abusive, then that is showing that he is a complete failure in life
and a failure in marriage. If he doesn’t figure out how to develop humility,
then that marriage is in trouble—as every area in his life there will be
trouble.
That’s
an important principle of leadership in every area. One of the things that is
important—this is true for deacons, and it’s true for pastors as well—is to
think one, two, three years out in terms of what’s going on at a church.
Looking at finances and saying, “Well, what happens if all of a sudden there’s
an economic collapse? How are we going to handle that?
Now
you may not know what you’re going to do now in terms of what circumstances may
occur in the future, but a good leader thinks in terms of both positive
circumstances as well as negative circumstances. What would happen if the
pastor suddenly became ill? What would we do? What would we do if the pastor
suddenly had a heart attack? I know of one pastor who almost died in the
pulpit. He had a stroke; in fact, he was dead before the day was out.
How
do you respond to the shifts in God’s plan? What are the positives? What are
the negatives? I worked at a Christian ministry some time ago, and after
working there for some years, I talked to the chairman of the board and I said,
“What’s your plan when the pastor retires?” He looked at me like I’d hit him in
the face with a cold washcloth. It had never occurred to him.
Now,
when you’ve got a pastor that’s somewhere north of 75, if you’re not thinking
about what you’re going to do if suddenly he’s not able to be in the pulpit,
then you’re a poor leader. Leaders think in terms of “what ifs,” good or bad.
As parent, you need to think about your kids in terms of the various “what ifs”
as they are growing up—positive as well as negative—and working through how
you’re going to respond to that.
You
see that in dancing. The male, as a leader, is thinking ahead; he’s watching.
If you’re on a dance floor somewhere where there are a lot of other people
moving around, you have to see where the other people are moving and how you’re
going to move as you make your way through the people on the dance floor so
that you’re not bumping into other people, stepping on other people’s toes, or
getting in other people’s ways as they are trying to get past you.
There
are always obstacles. There always situations that might surprise you, and so
you have to think those things through. The same thing is true in terms of a
husband. What happens if there is a major health problem? What happens if
something unexpected happens to a house?
I
just learned this yesterday. I was talking to Jim Myers. The young man that
works for the ministry whose is a driver for Jim—great young man—is Sergei.
Sergei has more on the ball than most people that I know. He purchased some
land at some point some years ago, and he built his own house, step-by-step as
he made money. He has a lot of initiative. He’s done different things to make
money—outside of the normal way of just getting a job and getting a paycheck.
He built a very nice house. He’s got horses—all of these various things. He has
a nice car that he owned. Then he came to Bible college.
He’s got a great grasp of doctrine, a great understanding of the Scriptures,
and a great faith in the Lord. Less than two weeks ago, he woke up in the
middle of the night—he lives alone, not married. He woke up in the middle of
the night, and the house was filled with smoke. He barely got out of the house.
He ran to the garage, got his car out of the garage.
The
house collapsed, burned to the ground; he lost all of his money. Banks are not
a safe place to put your money in Ukraine. He lost all of his money, all of his
clothes, everything
that he had. House completely destroyed, and now he’s got a great attitude. He
said, “The
Lord gives. The Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” He’s
moving on—figuring out what to do. The people of the church have come together,
given him clothes; he’s gotten some money to buy some new clothes. Fortunately,
his parents live very close and they had room, and he’s moved back in with his
parents for the time being. But you never know when that kind of thing is going
to happen.
As a
responsible adult, and as a leader in the home, we need to think about
preparation for what may come. So that is part of what is involved in the
leadership of the man. Now, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t discuss it with his
spouse. That doesn’t mean that he has a secret plan, but that this is something
that the family understands, so he works through that.
I
touched on this all already. The same thing is true in the home. As an
expression of aggressive personal love for his wife, the husband has to
constantly study her, learn her. You change—as a man, as a husband. You will
change over the years. You’re not the same after 20 years of marriage. You’ve
been well trained—no?
You’re
not the same after 20 years of marriage as you were when you first got married.
You’ve grown, you’ve matured; the same thing happens to your wife. Different
things happen in life—some good, some not so good. As we grow together, we
learn. As a husband you need to learn how to effectively lead your wife; that
involves, again, communication skills and observation skills.
I
think there are three examples in Abraham’s life where he listens to Sarah. One
did not turn out so well. Sarah said, “I can’t have a baby; go into Hagar, my
handmaiden, you can have a baby with her, and that’ll take care of the
inheritance problem.” That led to problems we still face today in the
Arab–Israeli conflict. It’s gone on for centuries.
There
are two other times in Abraham’s life when he listened to his wife, Sarah, and
it was positive; it was correct. Of course, with every piece of advice you get
from anyone, you have to weigh it and evaluate it. But you need to communicate
with your spouse, with your wife, so that you both understand where you’re
going, why you’re doing things, and what the strengths and weakness may be in
any course of action.
Again,
to communicate you have to have humility, teachability, and grace orientation.
Husbands, you need to listen to your wives, because sometimes they are going to
tell you things you don’t want to hear, and you don’t react in anger because
they tell you that, “You don’t listen very well,” and “You’re not very patient
with me,” and “You hurt my feelings sometimes.”
And you don’t like to hear that. That means, “Keep your mouth shut and listen.”
No
one will know you as well as your wife, other than your mother. They will say
things to help you. Sometimes they will say things that hurt you, and that’s
why you have to respond in impersonal love and grace orientation. We all do
that because of our nasty little sin natures.
If
the husband thinks he’s doing a good job and you tell him he’s not, that may
not go really well. It’s how you do that—how you make suggestions. You can only
learn that, wives, as you study your husband and figure out ways to communicate
with him so that he is responsive. A lot of times that means working on one
thing at a time, not nagging, not reacting in anger, or resentment, or ridicule
which comes from men and women as they react to the other person and say things
in tones and in looks that are not appropriate for building a solid
relationship.
In
marriage, as long as you are both pursuing spiritual maturity and working
together, and the goal is to have a strong healthy marriage, then that can
overcome many other things. That’s the mission: to glorify the Lord through
having a solid marriage. When you’re working together, then that’s achievable.
If
there’s sin that enters into the relationship, then that too can be a problem.
But it works on both sides—that’s where grace is needed.
That
runs counter to a lot of things in this life. I think one of the most difficult
things that has happened, culturally, to families in
the last half of the 20th century, is wives that go out into the
marketplace to work and they are under the authority of another man. They get
under the authority of maybe two or three other men, and this can create
conflicts at home. Historically, this is a very rare type of situation. That
doesn’t mean that biblical principles can’t overcome them, but it creates a
different set of parameters.
The
wife, who may be very successful, may be in an upper executive position and her
husband may not be. All of a sudden she has to come home, and she should be
responsive to a husband who is very different from the authorities over her at
work. And her responsibilities in the home may be much less domestically than
what they are in terms of a career. That career for a woman, I’m not saying
it’s wrong. The Proverbs 31 woman has her own level of career going on, but it
creates a different scenario that has to be worked through.
This
is a situation in dancing. If the man is leading, she has no clue where he is
going. She has to really be focused and attentive to every nuance of his body
movement so that she can respond correctly to his lead. That’s the least
positive position. She has to develop incredible amounts of flexibility. I
think a woman has to be much more flexible than a man in a marriage, because
she doesn’t know where he’s going and what the direction is. She has to be much
more flexible, but that is solved by communication if the man is leading
appropriately.
If
you are a couple, you’re dancing, you get out on the dance floor and you’re
going through a dance, I’ve seen this many times where the guy is not a great
leader and she’s out there having to respond to all kinds of things. He may not
be a good dancer at all, and she has to figure out how to do her best to make
it work, without just causing a scene out on the dance floor.
The
same kind of thing can happen in the home. The man can be a failure in his
leadership. If you get uncertain leads from a husband—translate that
analogously. If you’re a man married to a woman, a woman married to a man, and
that person goes through a time of carnality where they are really
struggling—who knows what is going on in their life—that is going to put
pressure on the whole relationship. This kind of a situation can last anywhere
from six hours to six months to six years. That’s why it calls for patience.
I’ve
seen this happen in marriages where you see one person or the other go into
some sort of spiritual tailspin. They just don’t care about the Word anymore,
or the Lord, or they try to keep it up, or they just go into full-blown open rebellion,
and it takes time for that person to recover and it takes time for the Lord to
work in that person’s life. If we get impatient and say, “Well, you know, they
haven’t recovered in the last six hours. I’m out of here,” that is not the
biblical or Christian response. If God treated you like that every time you got
into sin or carnality for a lengthy period of time, then we’d be Arminian and
we would all be losing our salvation in just a short time.
We
have to have that extended patience. I’m not saying this is true in every case.
Every case is different, every situation and circumstance is different, and I
don’t know all the circumstances, but years ago there was a man in a local
church that wasn’t where I was pastoring, but it was very close by and I knew
several people over there. I was really surprised because I came to find out
that his wife had left him eight years before, and he refused to divorce her.
About five years after I left that church, she returned. To this day, they have
a tremendous marriage. That can happen. I just think about what great patience
he had to sit and wait and to let her work through whatever it was that she
needed to work through. Not too many men would have that kind of patience. I’m
not sure if that’s right or wrong. I know that in that circumstance there were
many people who advised him that he should divorce her, that he should move on
with his life, and he said, “No. I’m not. I’m going to wait, and I know that
the Lord will bring her back. It may be 15 or 20 years, but the Lord will bring
her back.” So grace has to be a vital feature, on both the husband’s and the
wife’s part, as they are facing the difficulties in life.
We
are looking at this particular chapter talking about the possibility in 1 Peter
that the husband is not even a believer. I think that’s the context: that he’s
not a believer. In marriage we have to recognize that the woman’s testimony as
a believer is not dependent on what her husband does. With each one of us, if
our testimonies are dependent upon any other person, then we haven’t understood
the concept yet. Because there are always people around us who are going to be
challenges to us. The believer’s testimony is to stand firm and walk with the
Lord no matter what those external circumstances are.
We
can think of the ultimate example that Peter uses which is the Lord Jesus
Christ, who is surrounded by obstacles, and hostility, and resentment, and
people who want to kill Him—and who eventually did_but He never sinned. His
spiritual life was perfect, because He refused to yield to those temptations.
So no matter what your spouse does, you can still be faithful in following the
Lord and applying biblical principles in that relationship.
There
is no longer any mental discipline focusing on the task at hand. That’s what
happens in dancing. When people just start emoting to the music, and they quit
thinking about what they’re doing, or the movement, then they start making
mistakes. And that happens in marriage as well.
What
happens in marriage is one person may take the other person for granted. One
person may start reacting emotionally to little things that the other person is
doing, and before long you have problems. Little things that could have been
dealt with early on are now big issues and have created a host of resentment.
You don’t just recover magically. There has to be a time to put principles of
Scripture into practice and apply them in order to get out of those particular
situations.
Every
spouse has to treat the other one in grace, because they’re going to make a lot
of mistakes in their spiritual life, and they’re going to fail in a lot of
ways. They are going to fail in ways that hurt you, and you’re going to fail in
ways that hurt the other person, but God’s grace and forgiveness allow us to
recover and to keep working and moving forward. As long as the goal is kept in
place of glorifying God through a marriage that is based upon the Word of God,
then anything can be overcome, because God’s grace is greater than any sin or
problem that man creates. We know that from the cross. We always have to
remember to keep working on the basics in the spiritual life in order to move
forward in the marriage.
This
may take 5, 10, or 15 years before all of this really comes together.
Unfortunately, we see so many marriages that fall apart during that time. We
also can think of marriages that go for 25 or 30 years, and then there’s a
divorce; but usually that’s because they’ve been harboring the same resentments
and wanting to get out of the marriage since those first 5 or 6 years.
So
what does the Scripture say about this? We are taking that analogy and going
back and looking at Scripture.
I
want to look at Ephesians 5 as we close out. Turn to Ephesians 5, which I think
is great background for understanding what Peter is saying. In Ephesians 5:21,
Paul says, “submitting
to one another in the fear of God.”
If
we start with the end of that verse, we recognize that “the fear of the Lord”, as we go back to
Psalms and Proverbs and wisdom literature, “is the beginning of wisdom”. The fear of the
Lord is submission to God’s authority; it is recognizing that God’s in control.
So
if we’re starting off understanding that we are under God’s authority, then
part of that is to submit to one another. Now how does that look? That doesn’t
mean we just go around saying, “I’m going to do what you want me to do,” and
“You do what I want.” It’s not that—it’s that we work together as a team. This
is what happens: We cooperate together in order to achieve that common goal. We
communicate and we listen to each other. But there’s still somebody who’s the
leader and somebody who’s the follower—the responder. God designed men to be
leaders and women to be responders.
This
is why both Paul and Peter start with the wives; they are the responders. “Wives, submit to
your own husbands, as to the Lord.” We see how again and again what’s
happening in that relationship in the home is tied back to the authority
relationship to the Lord Jesus Christ. And it always connects; there’s never a
breakdown between the two.
Then
we are told, “For
the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church.”
It is the church—that is, the body of Christ—with Christ at the head, Jesus as
our authority, that is the paradigm, that’s the model, for the authority
relationship within the home. When Jesus Christ tells us to do something, we
don’t say, “I want to talk about that. I think I have a better idea.” That’s
not how the church, the body of Christ, works.
Christ
is the Head of the church. He is in authority. The feminist camp says that
“headship” means “source,” like the head of a river. The head of the Nile is
the source of the Nile. My friend H. Wayne House, who is Distinguished
Professor of Theology, Law, and Culture (2000) and Vice President of Academic
Affairs at Faith Seminary, back before he came to Dallas Seminary to be a
professor, had written a book called The Role of Women in Ministry Today. It is
still one of the best books on the topic that’s out there. Wayne was really
feisty when he was younger; he’s still a little bit feisty, but all of us
mellow a little bit with age.
Wayne
had also has a degree as a lawyer, so he loves to debate. He was debating one
of the foremost evangelical feminists at a Presbyterian school in Washington
State. So he’s on the platform with her, and she is making her points. She
makes her point that, “This word in the Greek means source. It doesn’t mean
authority whatsoever. That’s not the point.”
When
Wayne got up, in his rebuttal, He reached into his briefcase—this was in the
early days of Bible study and computers—and pulled out a ream of paper. It was
dot matrix. Remember the old roller that everything would roll through? That’s
what he had. He just started fanning it out and said, “I printed out, in the
Greek, every use in Classical and Koine Greek of KEPHALE, the Greek word
for headship.” Wayne also had a degree in patristics and Greek. He said, “Would
you please point out to me any place where KEPHALE is ever used to refer to source? That was it. He wins the debate. It
never refers to source. KEPHALE is never used for source; it refers to authority.
The
pattern is in verse 24. “Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be
to their own husbands in everything.” It is a pattern. Now, that doesn’t
mean that when the husband says to do something wrong, that you should do that.
Those are the exceptions that are legitimate in Scripture.
Then,
we skip down into verse 25. In an extended analogy, Paul addresses the husbands.
“Husbands,
love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church.” Christ isn’t an
abuser. Christ isn’t telling His wife, the church, to do things that are wrong.
He is not lording His authority over the church as a tyrant.
“Husbands, love
your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.”
This is the role of husbands; they are to have this kind of a loving
relationship with their wife.
When
we skip down to verse 28, we read, “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their
own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own
flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.”
So the husband is to nourish and cherish his wife. He is to be the spiritual
leader in the home.
Then
we get down to verse 32, we read, “This is a great mystery.” That is, all that he
has said about the relationship between men and women, this is a mystery. It is
a previously unrevealed truth. Paul says, “but I speak concerning Christ and the church.”
How husbands and wives relate together is intimately tied to how Christ leads
the church.
When
I hear people say, “That’s just old school. I hate that term. That’s just
old-fashioned. We’re modern now. Wives don’t need to be submissive to their
husbands.” Wait a minute! Is the church no longer submissive to Christ? Now,
there are churches that aren’t submissive to Christ, but the body of Christ
will always be submissive to Christ as her Lord. So that’s the pattern; that’s
the ultimate heavenly paradigm.
In
verse 33, “Nevertheless
let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the
wife see that she respects her husband.” Just like in dancing, there are
roles; there are ways that are defined for men and women to relate to each
other. Not in a way that limits the other one, but in a way that brings them
together and moves them into new directions in obeying the Lord so that
together they can create a marriage that glorifies God.