Mutuality in Marriage;
Doctrine of the Dance; 1 Corinthians 7:4-7
What is being
discussed here is the role of sex inside of marriage. The Bible clearly
emphasizes that God designed sex for pleasure, for recreation, and secondarily for
procreation and the propagation of the species. It was designed from the very
beginning in the garden of Eden to be part of
marriage. The Corinthians were saying that it was a
good thing for a man not to be involved with a woman, that this was a good thing
and superior spiritually. In contrast Paul says, “But because of [sexual] immoralities, each man is to
have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband.” This is the
principle that he is going to explain down through verse 7, that a husband is
to have sexual relations with his own wife and the wife is to have sexual
relations with her husband. It goes both ways, he is not talking from some sort
of male chauvinist background. Because of the ease, the availability, the way
that so many people succumb to sexual lusts and the problems that that
generates, the principle is invalid, do not try to have celibacy in marriage,
you need to have an active sex life. There is supposed to be a very rich and
enjoyable sex life between the husband and the wife. Then in verses 3 & 4
Paul is going to explain that there is a mutuality in this, this is not a
hierarchy, this is not the husband in authority, that even though the husband
is the leader in the home, the leader in marriage, he is not going to be saying
that husbands are the ones who initiate in sex but the wife can too. There is a mutuality here, an intimacy where it is not based on some
sort of hierarchy of authority and responsibility. In verse 5 Paul gives the
underlying mandate again, and then in vv. 6 and 7 he is going to come back and
give a pragmatic value of celibacy and a proper view of celibacy.
So beginning in verse 3, “The
husband must fulfil his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her
husband.” Underlying this command is the principle of unconditional love.
Unconditional love does not put the emphasis on the behaviour, the actions or
the attractiveness of the object of love, it has its
root and foundation in the integrity in the soul of the person who is doing the
loving. So what is found in sound marriages that have a rich physical enjoyment
between the husband and the wife is that there is a solid foundation of
impersonal or unconditional love. When they get together for intimacy there is
no mental baggage, no problems with bitterness, resentment, or harbouring of
past problems. So to understand all of this we must understand that sex comes
second, first comes soul rapport. “The husband must fulfil his duty to his
wife.” Wife here is the Greek word GUNAIKEIOS [gunaikeioj],
it is in the dative case which indicates that it is a dative of advantage. It
is for the advantage of his wife that the husband fulfil
his duty. What does that mean, to fulfil his duty? This is the Greek imperative
verb APODIDOMI [a)podidomi], a present active imperative. In the Greek a present
imperative indicates something that is a continuing standard operating
procedure. This is to be a habit pattern, a characteristic of something. The
verb means to restore, to return, to recompense, and so the primary idea is to
perform in one’s primary area of responsibility. The husband has a
responsibility to his wife in the area of sex. But is works the other way, too,
“and likewise also the wife to her husband.” The verb is not repeated but it is
understood, that the wife is to fulfil her responsibility to her husband. There
is a mutuality here. Both the husband and the wife are
to be involved in meeting the sexual needs of the other partner. The sex life
is to be a concern to both the husband and the wife. This demands a level of
maturity on the part of both of them because the concept here is built on not
getting what I need but giving what the other person needs. It is based on the
concept of giving and that is always related to grace. The husband must give
from himself and this means it must originate in his soul. No one can be a good
lover who is self-absorbed. Love is the opposite of self-absorption and
arrogance.
The word translated “duty” in
verse 3 is the Greek word OPHEILE [o)feilh], an economic term which means to owe a debt. It
comes to mean to have a moral, ethical or legal obligation. There is an
obligation or responsibility here. It is talking about the fact that the
husband has a legitimate, divinely-given responsibility that he is to fulfil to
his wife. The it is reversed, the wife is also to
fulfil her responsibility to the husband. In this context it is talking about
in the realm of sexual intimacy. The husband has an obligation to fulfil his
wife’s sexual desires, and the wife also has an obligation to fulfil the
husband’s sexual desire. We have to remember something about the context here.
If we forget the context we can take that to the extreme. The context is that
the Corinthians are opting for celibacy in marriage.
They are saying there shouldn’t be any sex in marriage. There are always
problems that enter into a couple’s sex life but we are not talking about that
kind of a situation. We have to recognize that there are always going to be
ebbs and flows in sexual desire within marriage, but his is in the context here
of people who are saying no sex in marriage. So Paul is saying that there is a
responsibility for husbands and wives for mutual responsibility in the area of
sexual intimacy. Ephesians 5:22, 25 clearly states
that there is a responsibility in marriage which ultimately resides in the
husband who initiates. He is 51% responsible, but that doesn’t negate the
volition of the wife. Always remember, it take two to make a successful
marriage; it only takes one to destroy it.
1 Corinthians 7:4 NASB
“The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband {does;} and likewise also the husband does not have authority
over his own body, but the wife {does.}” So a biblical view of marriage and the
roles of the man and woman in marriage are based on the idea of coordination
and not competition. They are to complement each other, not to be involved in
some sort of struggle or fight. There is a mutuality
in this verse, the wife has authority over the husband and the husband has
authority over the wife. Then verb is EXOUSIAZO
[e)cousiazw] from the noun
EXOUSIA [e)cousia], meaning
authority or control, and the verb means to have the right of control or the
right of power over something. So husbands, your body belongs
to your wife; and wives, your body belongs to your husband. That indicates a mutuality, and the way that is applied is going to be
under the condition of unconditional love and impersonal love. We must remember
that the Bible expresses these things by showing that the man is not complete
without the woman and the woman is not complete without the man. Each finds
fulfilment in the other, each has a distinct role, but due to sin competition
enters into the picture. The only thing that reverses that is regeneration and
spiritual growth.
1 Corinthians 7:5 NASB
“Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may
devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not
tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” The verb here is APOSTEREO [a)posterew] in
the present active imperative, which means this is to be a standard operating
procedure. In some versions it is translated “Don’t defraud one another.” The
verb means to rob, to deprive, or to steal; it means to take that which is not
rightfully yours. He is saying, “Quit taking what is rightfully belonging to
the other person,” i.e. the right to sexual enjoyment in marriage. Sex should
be a very significant and central part of any solid, sound marriage
relationship. Husbands remember, you can’t just go home and tell your wives,
“Okay, did you hear the pastor this morning; we are supposed to have more sex.”
Sex on the part of a woman is a response to your understanding the principles
of genuine husband love in the Scriptures, and so there may be some other
problems that you have to address in your own life before your wife is going to
feel comfortable responding to you.
The principle here is that
sex is to be a vital and vibrant part of any solid, healthy marriage. “Stop
depriving one another, except by agreement for a time,” so he does say that
there is an exception here, and that is that you may devote yourself to prayer.
So if you are spending time in prayer, listening to tapes, studying the Word,
that is the only reason, Paul says, that you should say no. He doesn’t say
headaches; they’re out. The issue here is a spiritual issue. The only thing
that should take priority over your sexual life is your spiritual life, but
that is just for a time, it is temporary. [6] “But this I say by way of
concession, not of command.” So he is conceding only on one point in terms of
the celibacy issue. If you are going to set aside some time for prayer, some
time for Bible study, that is okay, because remember we all have sin natures,
we all have sexual desire and if you put this off for too long there can be
other problems. “…and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you
because of your lack of self-control.” The lack of self-control there is the
Greek word AKRATIA [a)kratia] which has to do with self-control, especially in the
area of sexual control. So he says to remember that you shouldn’t put this off
too long because it is easy for your spouse to become tempted in the area of
sex and in order to avoid this and to avoid problems that come from that, make
sure that your partner is continually satisfied.
[7] 1 Corinthians 7:7 NASB
“Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his
own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that.” There is a
contrast here in the opening verb. Here Paul is going to say that in contrast
he really wishes that all men were celibate like he is. “However, each man” ANTHROPOS [a)nqropoj],
meaning human. Each individual has his own gift from God. He recognizes that
not everybody can be celibate and that most people need to be married other
wise they are going to get in trouble from sexual lust. The only reason Paul
says celibacy is going to be superior is because celibacy is going to give them
an opportunity to spend more time in the Word and more time in ministry. This
is because they are not going to be distracted by the cares of raising children,
taking care of a wife, and all they have to do is focus on the ministry of God’s
Word.
So an analogy from marriage
on the concept of dancing, where you really have to work together as dance
partners to really perfect your ability to dance together. It is a tremendous
metaphor for how a husband and a wife are to operate together.
The doctrine of the dance
1)
Dancing involves
teamwork with clearly-defined rules and roles for each member of the team. The
man is the leader in dancing and the woman is the responder—she follows his
lead. When the rules are followed and each person fulfils his role the result
is a fluid movement of grace and beauty. The goal of marriage is for the two to
move as one. It doesn’t happen over night, it doesn’t happen intuitively, it happens
because there is a lot of work involved but each one understands what their particular
roles are within the team and they work to master it. Christian marriage also involves
teamwork with clearly defined rules and roles. Ephesians 5:22, 23; Colossians 3:18-4:1;
1 Peter 3:1-7. Teamwork is defined as a relationship between two individuals that
is characterized by mutual cooperation and defined areas of responsibility
directed to the achievement of a specified common goal.
2)
Two people cannot
dance together without a common goal. In the same way, two believers cannot
achieve a Christian marriage without a common goal. The goal of marriage
between believers is to produce a union of two lives which brings glory to God
and is a testimony of divine grace. This means that the highest priority in
your life in terms of marriage is first your own spiritual life. You have to
realize that in marriage you are not going to be any better than what you are
as an individual. It takes two to make a successful marriage but one can
destroy that option. Amos 3:3 KJV “Can two walk together, except
they be agreed?” When the common goal is a successful
Christian marriage, as defined in bringing glory to God through the marriage
team, then whenever conflict erupts the final determiner is what is best for
the marriage in terms of the Word of God—not what best promotes my life, what
is going to make me happy, what is going to bring about my goals, but what is
best for the marriage in terms of biblical priorities.
3)
Like any team,
dancing has specifically defined roles for the two participants. In dancing the
male is the leader and the woman is the follower. This means the man initiates,
plans and directs the movements of the woman. The woman is the follower, she
has to respond to the leadership of the male, and she has to do everything the
man does but she has to do it backward, she can’t even see where she is going. In
Christian marriage, by analogy, the husband is the leader, the one with final
authority, and he is the one who is held accountable by God for the spiritual
welfare of the family. The role of spiritual leadership in the home involves
teaching the children, praying together, setting priorities, making sure
everyone gets to Bible class on time, and modelling the application of doctrine
in his own life by setting an example. In Christian marriage the wife is the
responder, and she is responding to God first and her husband second. If she
starts putting her husband first then she is going to set herself
up to be continuously reacting or responding to him and she will become an
emotional yoyo.
4)
In the dance the
leader and follower positions are not related to the skill level of the
dancers. Many times the woman may be a much better dancer than the man. The
same thing happens in marriage. Many times the husband is not as bright, is not
as skilful, not as adept in relationships as the woman is. The role doesn’t
have anything to do with the skill level involved, it
has to do with God’s design and intention for men and women inside of the
marriage.
5)
In dancing each
person has specific footwork that must be learned and practiced in order to
develop grace and fluidity. This demands thought and concentration. When
emotion takes over mistakes occur. It is the same with marriage. You have to
practice your role, you have to study, you have to think about it; it doesn’t
just happen, it is not the result of intuition.
6)
In dancing the
male through good leads can make his partner look graceful and keep her from
making mistakes. However, if his leads are too strong they can cause problems. On
the other hand, if his lead is too weak and he doesn’t communicate anything to
the woman for response she is left in the very frustrating position of trying
to guess how to follow the man. The same thing is true about Christian marriage.
The man who leads too strongly is a tyrant and bully, doesn’t understand grace
and destroys the gracefulness in the marriage. A man who is weak and doesn’t
lead well, always deferring to the wife, also creates problems because she is
going to react to that and there will be role reversals in the marriage which
are eventually self-defeating.
7)
The male as the
leader plans and initiates the various moves. That means he has to be thinking
ahead. He sees other people on the dance floor, he sees obstacles, he has to
know how to avoid them and maintain control. This implies that as part of the
leadership role the husband must understand Christian marriage and where the
couple is headed spiritually. He has to look forward.
8)
In the dance the
leader must know and study his partner to know how to lead her effectively. The
same thing in the home. The husband must know and understand his wife, and this
involves listening to her and communicating. A mark of good leadership is humility
and teachability.
9)
The man must
learn to listen to his partner because only the person you are dancing with
knows how you are doing. Grace orientation is a prerequisite for good
communication and demands humility.
10)
The woman, in
contrast, must learn to communicate to the man without challenging his tender
male ego. She is going to have to study her husband to know how to communicate
to him, to make suggestions to him, so that he is more responsive and will be
more willing to listen. Don’t create a conflict.
11)
The woman must
learn to let the man lead. This doesn’t come naturally, she has to let the man
lead. That puts her in a position of vulnerability because he is going to make
mistakes, and those mistakes can hurt and have lasting consequences. Scripture
doesn’t say, “Children obey your parents when they are right.” It doesn’t say, “Slaves
obey your masters when they have your best interests at heart.” Neither does it
say, “Wives submit to your husbands when they are on the right track.” It doesn’t
say, “Husbands love your wives when they are responding to you the way you
think they should.” There aren’t conditions on those things.
12)
The woman is
sometimes unaware of where the man is going on the dance floor and of his plan,
so she must be constantly ready to respond and shift with his leads. One of the
most difficult things about being a woman is being flexible.
13)
The woman must
continue to follow as best she can, no matter how faulty his leadership. If a
man is a failure in his leadership role you can still be successful as a
follower.
14)
Trouble starts
when you quit thinking and start emoting.
15)
Success ultimately
is based on consistency and practice. Many mistakes are made but as long as the
goal is kept by the two it can be accomplished. As long as you stop, rebound,
confess your sins, apologize to one another, forgive one another, then you can
always recover and go forward. As the two work together, mutual respect and
admiration develops and confidence increases.